The Fire Still Burns Page 14

  Brynn. Raped. By Cal.

  Raped.

  Cal has to die.

  No, Cal already took care of that himself.

  Adam clenched his hands tightly together until his short nails sank into skin. The little prick couldn’t even be man enough to take the ass-kicking he deserved. He had to kill himself, robbing Adam of the chance to make him pay for what he’d done to Brynn.

  Why would his best friend rape his girlfriend? How was it possible that he hadn't known? Why would Brynn marry…

  The baby.

  Oh, God.

  Adam sucked in air, and let it out slowly, wondering how he was going to make everything up to Brynn. He'd thought she was low enough to cheat on him. He should have known better.

  Brynn was crumpled on the floor, crying as though she'd finally loosed the cork which had held everything inside her so long. Adam bit the inside of his lip to brace himself against his own onslaught of raw emotions. She'd been through something so tragic and he'd done nothing to help. He hadn't been there for her at all.

  Adam lowered himself to the floor, and crawled to her, wrapping his large arms around her small frame. She jerked away but his hold tightened, pulling her so she lay with her back against his chest.

  “Please let me hold you,” he whispered, unsure whether she needed to be held more than he needed to hold her.

  The tension left her body as she leaned against him, turning slightly so he could fully hold her, wrapping her in a cocoon of love. Her warm tears left a trail down his chest, each deep sob that wracked her body sent a vibration through him.

  It was pure torture hearing her cry, but he held on tightly, damning himself for not doing so when she’d needed him the most.

  “When did it happen?” Adam forced himself to ask the dreaded question once Brynn’s flood of tears dwindled down to a slow stream.

  “The costume party.” Her voice was muffled as her face remained buried against his chest. He wondered if she could feel his heart stop at her revelation. He’d been there dammit, and he’d let it happen.

  “The fight was a diversion. He attacked you while I was off stopping a fight.” Stupid fool!

  “Yes.”

  Rage intensified inside Adam as he recalled that night, the look on her face when he’d found her. It had just happened and he hadn’t a clue. Why hadn’t she said something?

  “You said you didn’t feel well. I thought you were sick so I just took you home, leaving Cal there. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have made him pay. Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “He tricked me. I was so young and naïve. I thought it was my fault. I didn’t know it was rape.”

  Adam pulled back just enough to look into her red-rimmed eyes. “I don’t understand what you mean by that. How could you not know it was rape?”

  ~~~

  Brynn let out a shaky breath, searching her mind for words adequate enough to explain her frame of mind on that ill-fated night. How good of an explanation could she give? She'd already revealed to Adam his best friend was a rapist.

  Could she tell him his brother had planned the whole awful incident? No, she decided as she looked into his eyes, which were still touched by concern despite the rage burning in the blue depths. He’d suffered much already, knowing how Zeke had treated Rachel. It was bad enough she’d been victimized by Zeke. Adam didn’t have to be hurt by the man’s actions as well, especially when he had more to lose. He actually loved him.

  “You know what it's like in this community, Adam. We were never taught about rape or molestation growing up. My whole sexual education was that bad girls did it, good girls didn't. I was raised to believe that bad girls put out signals, and what happened to me that night only happened to girls who asked for it.”

  “Brynn—”

  “No, Adam. I have to explain. I've lived with this for far too long.”

  He didn't say anything, only nodded as he loosened his hold to push back the hair hanging in her eyes. She rose to walk across the room and kept her eyes averted, not sure she could handle whatever she might see in his gaze as she explained herself.

  “I thought he was you. It was so dark…and I'd had a few drinks…it didn't feel right, but I didn't stop it. I ignored my instincts and let him…I let him do that to me.” She heard Adam's sharp intake of air and focused her gaze on the floor, not wanting to see the look that went with that sound. “When he was done and the lights were on, I realized what had happened, but I couldn't see it was rape. I'd never said no. I had let him.”

  “You were tricked.”

  “But don't you see? I shouldn't have been!” She turned her head toward him, pointing a finger toward her chest. “If I was a decent girl, I would have known it wasn't you!”

  In the next moment, Adam's arms were wrapped around her, and once again he held her tightly in a circle of protection. “You blamed yourself.”

  “How could I not blame myself? I never said no.”

  “You would have if you'd known it was him. How were you supposed to know he would do such a thing? He was our friend. I should have never left you alone. I'm so sorry.”

  “Like you said, how could you have known?”

  “I should have. I should have protected you, but I never saw it coming. Is that why you never told me? Because I failed you?”

  Brynn closed her eyes on a sigh. I knew he’d blame himself. “I was too ashamed to tell you. In my heart I knew I hadn't wanted it, but I was confused. I thought that because I hadn't said no, it wasn't rape. I felt like I'd betrayed you.”

  “Which is what I accused you of doing,” his voice full of anguish as he tightened his arms around her.

  “I punished you for something that wasn't your fault, hurting you even more.” He dropped his arms to his sides and stepped away. “I don't have the right to hold you. You have every reason to hate me.”

  “Adam.” She turned toward him as he walked away.

  “No, Brynn. You were right. I slept with Stacy Willinger to hurt you, to make you pay, but you'd already paid. You were raped. I'd believed you capable of deceit when all the while you were an innocent victim.”

  He raked a hand through his hair, balling the other into a fist, his gaze averted. “You were going to tell me that day when you called, weren't you?”

  “Yes. I'd finally scrounged up enough courage.”

  “Only for me to insult you and hang up.” He looked at her and her insides turned to Jello as she took in the pain residing in his eyes. “I wish I could take it back, I wish I could take it all back.”

  “So do I.”

  He nodded and dropped into a chair, leaning to rest his elbows on his knees. “There are a couple things I don't get.”

  “What?” Brynn hoped she hid the fear coursing through her body. She couldn't tell him everything, and feared the questions she sensed were coming.

  “Why would Cal do it? I never saw him as a person who could rape a woman, especially not a friend.”

  “He was jealous.” Brynn took a seat in the chair across from Adam, relieved he'd asked a question she could answer without giving away Zeke's involvement.

  “He was jealous of our relationship?” Adam frowned. “I never even realized he was interested in you.”

  “He wasn't.” Brynn bit her lip as she saw confusion forming on Adam's face and pressed on, knowing she was about to throw the man for a loop. “Cal was gay. He didn't want me. He wanted you.”

  Adam sat stone-still, staring back at her with unblinking eyes. The moment stretched on until finally, just as Brynn was about to give in to the urge to prod him with a stick to make sure he was still alive and functioning, Adam blinked.

  “Cal was gay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Cal? My best friend since preschool? The guy we grew up with, that Cal?”

  “Yes.”

  “No way.” Adam sat back in the chair, his mouth agape.

  “It's true.”

  “And he was what? In love with me?”

/>   “Yes. He'd settled for being your best friend, because he knew you'd never look at him the way he wanted you to.”

  Adam shook his head “I had no idea. I know he never had any hot and heavy relationships, but I would have never suspected… Wait. So he raped you because he didn't want us together? Why would he want to have sex with you if he didn't like women?”

  “I've come to learn that rape has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with power and vengeance,” Brynn explained with as few details as possible.

  She couldn't tell him that Zeke had caught Cal kissing a man and had held the secret of his sexuality over him to force him to hurt her. Or tell him about the mind games Zeke had played with his friend, bending him until he finally broke.

  “Why did you leave with him? Marry him?” His tone grew angrier as he continued. “How could you do that, knowing what he'd done to you? Why would you marry a gay man?”

  “I was pregnant, you thought the worst of me and I was so scared. The rumors of me being a whore were already flying because of the belief I'd cheated on you, and I knew it would only get worse once I started to show.” Fear propelled her to explain quickly, knowing she'd never manage to get it out if she allowed herself time to think.

  “I didn't want my parents to be more ashamed than they were, and I couldn't bear the thought of telling you I was pregnant. I decided I'd leave town and get married. Cal agreed it was the least he could do, and we both wanted to cover up what happened that night, but Adam, I never married him. I just didn't want my daddy to know the truth.”

  Adam's eyes widened in surprise. “You never married Cal?”

  “No. We left town together, and he helped me to get settled in L.A., but we never even lived together.”

  “You let everyone think you'd gotten married.” His eyes darkened, his mouth thinned into a hard line.

  “I thought it would look better that way. I didn't want to hurt my parents any more than I already had.” She waved her hand in the air. “I figured being the backstabbing girl who'd left her boyfriend for his friend, his friend who she later married, looked better than being the unwed mother who'd just slept around and gotten knocked up.”

  “But you were raped. If you'd—”

  “I didn't see it that way. Don't you understand?” Brynn leaned forward. “I felt like I was the one who'd done something wrong. I didn't understand what rape was back then.”

  Adam lowered his head, shaking it back and forth before running his hand the length of his face. Moisture glistened in his eyes. “I want so hard to understand,” his voice sounded strained.

  “I know you were a victim and you were traumatized, but how could you have let me think you'd willingly left me for my own friend? Thirteen years! How could you have left me believing in that lie for so long?”

  Brynn gritted her teeth together and struggled to keep her composure, knowing she'd never get through this if she gave in to the temptation to fall apart. Her emotions were out of control, switching from anger to sorrow to shame, and everything in between. What excuse could she give him to make it right for both of them?

  Telling him that his own brother had orchestrated the entire incident would completely destroy him. For the same reason, she couldn't tell him about the letter she'd sent him years later, which had never reached him, or about the calls she'd made, only to have those intercepted as well shortly before her phone number was blocked.

  All the people Adam had trusted in his life had hurt him, but she was the only one he knew about. She'd hurt him by protecting him from the truth about the others, persecuting herself for something she'd been an unwilling party to, taking the blame for everything his so-called loved ones had done. He had no clue, and because she cared more for his happiness than her own, he never would know the dark truth. No matter how bad protecting him made her look. It was so unfair she wanted to scream.

  “I was raped, Adam. Raped! Only I didn't realize it, so it was a hundred times worse.” She abruptly stood from the chair, kicking it aside as she paced the floor, venting the anger which had been growing in her body like a cancer for over a decade.

  “I did the only thing I could think of. I did what I thought was the best thing for everyone. I didn't feel like I deserved you after being stupid enough to mistake another man for you. I didn't want to stay here and see my loved ones wallow in shame.” She stomped toward the far wall, spun and marched back to stand before Adam.

  “When I finally realized I had been a victim, I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to be responsible for whatever you might do. I left my family and my home to raise a child all by myself. I gave up my dreams.” She smacked her palm against her chest.

  “I gave up everything. I hurt myself, Adam, I punished myself. Why can't anyone see that? I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. I know I disappointed my parents, but I didn't do it for selfish reasons.” She flung her hands in the air and started to pace. “Why can't any of you acknowledge that? Why can't you see I hurt myself, too? Why can't you see I damn near destroyed myself to protect you?”

  “You're right, you're right,” Adam reassured her as he rose from his seat to hold her, stopping her angry pacing.

  “I'm sorry. I shouldn't be focusing on my own pain when I can't even imagine what it's been like for you. For the record, you're one hell of a good woman, raising a child who resulted from rape. A lot of women wouldn't do it.”

  Brynn stiffened at his remark. “Nathaniel’s my gift, something wonderful I was given to make up for what I went through. Raising him has never been a hardship.”

  “I'm sure he's a great kid with you as a mother.” He pressed his lips to her temple, gently as though she might break. “I'd like to meet him.”

  Brynn jerked away, icy fear circulating through her veins. “No, that's not possible.”

  “What? Why?”

  Brynn looked into Adam's eyes, shame creeping into her body as she noticed how wounded he looked. She hadn't meant to be so abrupt with him, but she'd reacted without thinking and the fear had slipped out.

  “Because…” she struggled to find words to explain, words that wouldn't cut him any deeper. “I don't want Nate to get familiar with this town or anyone in it. I can't raise him in Black Bear Gorge, not with the way people still look at me here.”

  “So, you don't want him to meet me or anyone else who knew you back then?”

  “No.”

  “And you're still planning on leaving.” A shadow fell over his eyes.

  “I have to, Adam. It's the best thing for my son.”

  “And what about us?”

  Brynn blinked back the wetness building up in her eyes again and tried to swallow past the lump which had formed in her throat. “I'll always love you, Adam, but fate just dealt us a bad hand.”

  “That's bullshit!” Adam clenched his jaw tightly, his eyes narrowed. “You're running away. Why? Why can't you just stay here and tell everyone to go to hell? Who cares what people say, anyway?”

  “You do,” Brynn replied softly. “It wasn't very long ago you jumped away from me when your crew saw you kissing me outside Red's Tavern.”

  “I’m an idiot,” Adam responded, color creeping into his face. “I've been thinking about you, about us, and I don't care what people say anymore.”

  “Yes, you do. Only now you know I was raped and your ego isn't taking as bad of a hit because you’ve realized I didn't cheat on you. But no one else is going to know that. I don't want them to.”

  He jerked back as though he’d been struck. “I wouldn't tell—”

  “So what would you say if we got back together and someone made a comment about you playing the fool again?”

  “Brynn.”

  “How about when they ask if they can have a piece of me when you're through?” She stared at him, seeing the muscle in his jaw tick.

  “Stop it.”

  “Or when they ask you if I've picked up any new tricks?”

  “Stop it.”

  “I can't stop it
, Adam. I'm the town whore or did you forget?” She crossed her arms and let out a chuckle devoid of humor. “Trust me, this town won't let you forget it for long. And the only way they'll stop passing judgment is if they know what Cal did to me, assuming they believe it, and even if that happens and I stay in this town, then guess what? My son will find out. This is why we can never be together again.”

  Adam swallowed heavily. “Because you're afraid of what your son will think if he finds out the truth of his conception.”

  “Afraid? I'm terrified.”

  “Does he even know that Cal was gay?”

  “I don't think so.” Brynn slid her hands in her back pockets, once again wondering how much information to divulge. “Cal wasn't really around. Nate just thinks of himself as one of the many unfortunate children in this world with a deadbeat father.”

  “I wish I'd known you were all alone. I would have helped you.”

  “You hated me when I left.” Just saying the bitter reminder sent a jolt of sorrow through her system.

  “I never hated you, Brynn. I tried to, but I couldn't.”

  Adam looked at her with a passionate intensity only pure love could create, and she regretted the harsh things she had said to him before her big revelation.

  “I'm sorry I blew up at you about Stacy. I know you thought I'd cheated on you for all these years, and we weren't together at the time.”

  “It's all right, Brynn. You were hurt by it and for that I'm sorry.”

  “I wish things were different.” She gave him a weak smile.

  “So do I.”

  Adam opened his arms and she stepped into them, wrapping her own arms around his waist. He stared at her for a long moment, and she saw the emotions swirling in his eyes before he dipped his head to meld his mouth to hers.

  He kissed her gently, sweetly, not a kiss of passion but an unspoken apology. And she returned the favor in kind.

  “Are you sure you can't stay here?” He rested his forehead against hers.

  “I can't, no matter how badly I'd love to rekindle what we had.”

  “I don't think it ever burned out, Brynn. I've wanted you since the moment you stepped foot into Chief Parker's office.”